S1 Ep3 Rose the Prude

I think Fridays might be good days to update on?
I don't really have a lot of inconsistencies that I can point out until we hit maybe the middle of the first season so I guess until then I'll just be pointing out how ridiculous this show is.

SO, this episode begins with Sophia beating Dorothy at gin rummy. Blanche is in desperate need of someone to go out with her date's brother because he's unexpectedly in town. I'm not sure why she couldn't have just rescheduled but I'm also not sure why she's wearing that jumpsuit. Or why Dorothy's in a floor length old timey baseball uniform dress.

????????

Dorothy doesn't want to go because she needs to beat Sophia at cards and continue to wear that outfit.

Rose enters and Blanche asks if she could do her a solid and Rose says she's not that into dating. It's been 15 years since Charlie died but apparently he was the coolest guy on Earth. Rose reluctantly agrees to go out though.

We're less than 5 minutes in so the writers realized they needed to slip in a joke about old people or bodily functions and decided on prostates.

same

Cut to a few hours later, Blanche comes home and she has changed her outfit but I can't tell if it's an upgrade or a downgrade.

After talking with Sophia for a minute or so about how ugly Dorothy is, Blanche says her date was a dud. Which makes me wonder where she met this man that she didn't realize how gross he was before making the date. Like she literally had to talk to him for maybe 5 or 10 minutes to get a general picture.

Rose returns and while camouflaging herself into the couch she tells everybody how great Arnie her date is.

Blanche is selfish as hell so she's angry that Rose had a great time. Dorothy has to remind Blanche of some raunchy stuff she's done with men in the past to make her feel better about going out with the lesser of two brothers.

The next day, Blanche is in yet another jumpsuit and again I have no explanation. Sohpia opens the front door to leave and we see Rose and Arnie in a very weird, unmoving embrace that could have been going on for god knows how long.

I'm serious they were just standing like that

After that incredibly uncomfortable moment we see that Arnie is played by Harold Gould! We'll see him again later.

There's no reason for this picture. I just wanted you guys to see the back flap on her dress

Blanche remarks that Rose and Arnie must be getting serious which prompts Rose to leave for the lanai. Here we find out that Arnie has invited Rose to go on a cruise with him and she's conflicted because she hasn't had sex since her husband died. Blanche is flabbergasted and Dorothy reminds her that, "not all of us are classified by the navy as a friendly port."

The girls finally convince Rose to get freaky on the high seas.

Rose readies herself for passion while Arnie does some old guy stuff in the bathroom. I'm surprised they didn't throw in an incontinence joke because we've been graced with them in the last two episodes. For some reason both of them are in bathrobes which I'm not sure are necessary at all seeing as they're wearing full pajamas underneath.

After a sexy conversation about terrycloth Arnie takes off his robe and reveals a full sleeved/long pant ensemble and asks if Rose would like to dance. Rose tells a surprisingly on-topic and funny story and ends up getting weird by bringing up her dead husband.

For some reason they turn into 6th graders and say they like each other and Harold Gould's eyebrows attempt to leave his face because they cant believe this scene is happening.

They kiss and then Rose runs into the bathroom because she gets cold feet (I'm not sure how she wasn't all fired up after that conversation and those robes).

Back at the golden house Blanche opens the fridge and Sophia implies she left a pee sample in there. I guess the writers just couldn't help themselves. The girls then ponder whether or not Rose is doing the do and Dorothy feels bad that they may have pressured Rose. 

Dorothy asks how long it was before Blanche had sex after George died (in the pilot Rose said Blanche made a date at the funeral). Lo and behold the story somewhat checks out because Blanche states that she caught eyes with the reverend performing the services.

Some more bathrobes for you

She didn't get with the reverend until his wife died so she didn't make the date AT the funeral. But they did eventually do it:

"Took about ten minutes; he wore his watch and his socks...I never saw him again."

We find out Dorothy got with her divorce lawyer after Stan left her. and Sophia makes a weird remark about her dead husband Sal.

Soon (as all conversations at this table go in this direction) the girls talk about aging and Dorothy makes Blanche lean over a mirror to see how flappy her skin is at that angle.

Blanche is horrified until she realizes how hot she looks with her head turned the other way.

Back on the boat, Arnie's in a cool track suit as he realizes Rose is still in the bathroom. He informs her that he's asked the captain (why would the captain be in charge of this (ok wait it sounded like he said he talked to the bursar but they aren't on ships right?)) if he could move cabins and he'll be grabbing his things. Rose comes out and tells him she's been crying all night. They sit oddly close to one another and not even facing each other and Rose tells Arnie that she felt like she'd be cheating on Charlie.

Arnie tells Rose about his dead wife and she realizes that Charlie would want her to get down every once in a while. Rose reveals that her husband died while they were "making love" I'm putting that in quotations because I would never willingly say that phrase and Rose literally says it every 30 seconds in this episode. Rose asks Arnie to hold her and I think it's an actual prompt for them to..............................."make love". I'm not sure why she couldn't just say that since she couldn't not say it for the 20 minute span I've been watching.

"love making"

Again we are back at the golden house and Sophia wants to play cards but Dorothy is sick of losing. Sophia admits she just likes the conversations they have while playing wow mother daughter bonding.

Rose returns and the girls speculate about her doing it. Dorothy tells everyone to play it cool and not to ask Rose any questions about her relations. Rose goes on about the activities on board and Dorothy finally shouts at her asking if she and Arnie hit the sheets or not (her words, not mine). Rose plays it coy and finally reveals that she did. The girls react accordingly.

Thanks, Arnie

S1 Ep2 Guess Who's Coming to the Wedding

This episode begins as Dorothy freaks out about her daughter Kate possibly getting lost because Blanche gave her the directions and a woman who has lived in Miami for years would obviously have no idea how to navigate the city. Dorothy explains that Kate has been dating a doctor for 6 months and she believes Kate will announce an engagement.
Blanche lets everyone know how shallow she is by saying she doesn't care about the doctor's family background because he makes a lot of money.

He could rob banks and Blanche wouldn't give a hoot

At this point the door bell rings and Kate arrives without her doctor boyfriend named Dennis because he's out at a seminar or something I don't really care about him because there is a more pressing issue at the moment. Now, as we are told time and time again, Dorothy was married to Stan Zbornak for 38 years because she became pregnant. Kate does not look 40 (because it had been two years since Dorothy and Stan divorced).

Whatever I guess let's just keep going. Kate tells everyone that she and Dennis will be flying out to the Bahamas to get married in a day's time. Dorothy is at first thrilled and then not so thrilled as the news sinks in that the wedding will be in the Bahamas.

Dorothy says she has always dreamed of giving Kate a wedding and Kate reminds her that Stan will have to be invited as he's her father. Dorothy bribes her with live doves which is weird and not very enticing. Finally Dorothy is persuaded and for the second time in as many episodes, a wedding will take place at their house. Dorothy has an uncomfortable phone conversation with Stan and invites him after calling him a "yellow bellied sleazeball." Dorothy proceeds to make more weird faces and the conversation ends.

The next day Dorothy and Sophia are making some stupid wedding favors when Rose calls Blanche and Dorothy to the living room. She says Sophia has been stealing cheese balls Rose has made for the wedding and I'm still not sure why Rose is doing the catering in the first place.

The doorbell rings and we are greeted by Kate and Dennis.

Dorothy says he looks beautiful but in actuality he looks like a big dweeb. The girls sit Dennis down and give him the third degree and we find out he's a podiatrist. I'm not sure why they're all disgusted by this profession because he's still a doctor and does medical stuff. Rose asks if he knows Dr. Scholl, filling her stupid remark quota for the episode.

The rest of this scene is boring. Dorothy makes more jabs at Stan, everybody looks uncomfortable and Dennis continues to look like a dweeb.

The next day (because apparently weddings are very quickly organized in this universe) Dorothy walks out in a stunning pink number and gets the door. We finally meet Stan.

I just realized that's not a skirt, it is a pair of pants.

Just letting everyone know we'll be seeing this outfit again

 She slams the door in his face and he says she must not have recognized him. She says she did and that's why she slammed the door. She remarks, "that is some toupee you're wearing."
Rose enters the room and Dorothy introduces both Stanley and his hair which is probably one of the funniest moments on this show. Rose replies, "it's a pleasure to meet you both."

We see the second wedding dress of the show and I'm still wondering how all of this came together so quickly.

Stan commends Dorothy for inviting him and Dorothy makes some weird barking noises at him. Dorothy continues to growl and everyone heads to the church which again, how did they book all of this?

Here we are at the breathtaking wedding reception. Pretty much all I saw here were like, 12 people total. No friends of Dennis or Kate and no sign of Dennis' parents. This can be explained away because they probably just saw people on the street and invited them seeing as this whole thing was thrown together in a day.

Stan and Dorothy keep exchanging rude remarks and Dennis still looks like a boring dweeb. Rose going on about the cheese balls and I don't know why this is a sub plot.

Dorothy retreats to her bedroom which we see for the first time.

Not enough brown

Sophia tells Dorothy she's being foolish blah blah.

Dorothy leaves her room and gives Kate advice to be Dennis' lover and more weird stuff that parents shouldn't say.

Dorothy brings Stan out on the lanai and chews him out in an impassioned speech with highlights like gallbladder surgery and diapers. After ripping his toupee off, she can finally say goodbye to him.

The girls come and see if she's alright after Stan leaves and she said there will always be a part of him with her.

in one of the more gross scenes of the episode after the lover part, Dorothy holds up Stan's toupee.

Gross stop holding that thing

This episode begins a long line of inconsistencies throughout the show. That's a pretty big achievement considering it's the second episode.

S1 Ep1 The Pilot

We begin our first episode with Dorothy coming home from work. She laments to Coco that basically everyone enrolled in the "finest school in Dade County" were a bunch of freaks with weird hair. At this time I'd like to take the opportunity to talk about Coco.

Coco was their live-in cook for some reason. He barely had any lines in the pilot and we never see him again. Apparently the writers felt that they didn't need a cook as there were four grown women living in a house because Sophia would be a regular installment on the show and she would do the cooking. Either way, he was truly useless except for a bit where he says they're having enchiladas rancheros for dinner and Dorothy says, "why don't you just shoot me." I think she's implying that her bowels can't handle that food or that he is a horrible cook, especially when he makes enchiladas rancheros. 

At this point we see Rose returning from work. She remarks that there were a lot of sad people at the grief counseling center and Dorothy makes a quip about her expecting comedians to be there. So less than two minutes into the show we can see the dynamic between Dorothy and everybody else.

Me too, Rose

Blanche enters the kitchen and asks Dorothy if she can borrow her mink stole to which Dorothy replies, "it's Miami in June only cats are wearing fur." We're 1:46 into this episode and she's already found something sarcastic to say to everyone she's encountered. She and her wit are the glue that hold this show together though.

Rose asks if Blanche is going out and Dorothy again references the weather and the enchiladas. Blanche leaves to go put cucumbers on her eyes although she has a full face of make up on but not before she lets everyone know she has a great body.

Rose asks who she's going out with and Coco utters the third of his four lines he has in this episode, "Harry, again." 

Dorothy exclaims that they know nothing about this Harry and Rose replies that the only information Blanche has given them is that he has all his own teeth and hair. These jokes involving teeth and hair and toupees and high waisted pants continue throughout the entire series. The girls continue to lament about the aging process. Rose says something stupid, Dorothy says something sarcastic and Blanche reenters and tells everyone about how great Harry is before letting them know he has proposed.

This is the first time we see the interior design brilliance that is Blanche's bedroom. They discuss harry and Blanche's dead husband. The doorbell rings and...........

It's Sophia saying the home burnt down. Then there's a bad series of jokes about how much she had to pay for the cab.

We'll call this the "rough draft Sophia"

Sophia says insulting things to everyone and then calls Coco "the fancy man." We are then told she had a stroke that destroyed the part of her brain that censors what she says. She says more insulting things and then we finally meet Harry.

Blanche was right, he does seem to have teeth and hair

They leave and Sophia says she thinks Harry is a scuzzball. Later that evening we see the first appearance of the lanai and almost the last appearance of Coco. Rose tells everyone how much of a tramp she thinks Blanche is ("She needs a man") and then explains that she made a date on the day of her late husband George's funeral.

What the heck is a lanai

They exit the lanai from that weird back room nobody ever sits in rather than the left side of the house and Rose starts talking about her dead husband Charlie. 

More stuff is said, Coco makes a smart remark and exits to the kitchen which is a bad idea because he should be trying to get as much screen time as possible. Blanche comes back from her date and says she's going to marry Harry. Rose complains because she doesn't know where she'll live and pretty much nobody else cares. Blanche leaves to her room (which is where the lanai entrance was in later episodes). 

Dorothy and Rose continue talking in the living room and we learn about Dorothy's ex husband, Stan. "A 65 year old man with gout learning to windsurf. I hope he falls into a volcano." He left her for a young stewardess and lives on Maui. She says she had a shotgun wedding in her home town of Queens because she was pregnant.

Coco asks if Sophia wants tea and leaves again foolishly.

The women talk about their bladder issues and Sophia lets everyone know she wets the bed every morning.

Presumably the next day we are yet again in Blanche's exquisite bedroom as Dorothy gets ready for the wedding. Rose tells her she is suspicious of Harry to which Dorothy warns her not to say anything.

Blanche comes in and is emotional. Another joke about bladder issues and going to the bathroom is made and Dorothy keeps having to assault Rose so she doesn't spill the beans. This scene is also the last we will ever see of Coco.

Unfortunately this is one of the better wedding dresses we'll see on the show

Harry is late and the priest says he's backed up on funerals because it's Miami and old people wow another old people in Miami joke. The priest says he has to bury Mr. Pinkus as the doorbell rings. A cop tells Blanche that Harry is a bigamist and she's heartbroken. She says she might as well be buried with Mr. Pinkus.

They always have pitchers of drinks even when only one person is out there

We're on the lanai again at the close of the show. Blanche hasn't been to work in three weeks and Dorothy checks to make sure Sophia is breathing for the first of many times. Blanche emerges and says she feels good. There's a heartwarming talk and we learn that they are each others' emotional support system.

Sophia lets everyone know that she and "the fancy man" are going to the dog track but we don't see Coco in this scene at all. Cue credits and we're done!

Hello wow here's an intro

I started this blog because I've been a lifelong fan of The Golden Girls. I've seen every episode of every season more times than I can count and it is truly one of my favorite shows. That being said, it has one of the most inconsistent storylines of all time and I honestly think the writers didn't care to look back on other episodes to see if they were even remotely close to what had been established.  I realized most of the time my sister and I spent texting was to tell each other yet another piece of information that had slipped the writers' minds when they prepared an episode. So this blog is basically everything my sister and I have compiled while watching this series over and over again. I'll be doing an episode a week and I think this intro post will be a nice place to also introduce you to our Golden Girls.

Dorothy Zbornak (née Patrillo), a substitute teacher within the Miami school system. She is cynical, sarcastic and can be generally unpleasant at times. She was married for 38 years to Stanley Zbornak (which she will repeatedly remind everyone of) before he left her for a young stewardess.

Rose Nylund (née Lindstrum), a cheerful midwestern woman working at a grief counseling center. She is naïve and the brunt of most jokes. At the start of the show she has been a widow for 15 years, having lost her husband Charlie after he had a heart attack. She is always saying things that are vaguely Scandinavian without really explaining what language or country she's alluding to.

Blanche Devereaux (née Hollingsworth), an aging southern belle in denial with a list of male suitors as thick as a phone book. She is the owner of the home on 6151 Richmond St, as it was the one she shared with her deceased husband George. She's selfish most of the time and doesn't hesitate to let Dorothy and Rose know they are hideous trolls being graced with her presence.

Sophia Petrillo (née who the hell knows), Dorothy's 80 something mother. She suffered a stroke and in the first episode she comes to live with the girls. She emigrated from Sicily between the ages of 18 and 25 despite knowing very little Sicilian (what she attempts to speak is badly pronounced Italian) and speaking with no accent. She says anything that comes to mind and we are very often reminded that it's because the stroke destroyed the part of her brain that censors what she says.

Their beautiful home, 6151 Richmond St. Literally nothing about what the outside looks like implies the layout of the inside (but that goes for most TV shows so we'll let that slide). It's a wicker paradise and the only reason why I know what the word "lanai" means.

So there you have it. We have our cast of characters and every week we'll see what wacky situations they'll get themselves into.